Said In Bed

Here’s our ever-growing list of awkward pillow talk reported to have taken place between one guy talking to another in bed, that you can probably regard as a relationship “don’t”.


.  “These scars aren’t as fresh as they look.”

.  “You know, most guys usually wash that.”

.  “Don’t eat me out, ok.  I have the hemorrhoids.”

.  “Your dog is watching us and I get the sense he’s judging us.”

.  “Bite down on the pillow because I’m coming in dry.“

.  “The enema kit is under the bed.”

.  “What are you doing?  I thought a blumpie was some sort of yiddish pastry.”

.  “If you see me choking myself, just keep going”

.  “There’s something I have to show you first.”

.  “I was hoping the colostomy bag wouldn’t be a turn off.”

.  “I asked if you had poppers, not Pop Tarts.”

. “It’s only going to hurt the first time…”

. “It always hurts the first time going in but don’t let that stop you.”

.  “Just give me a minute while I clear my laundry off of the sling.”

.  “My wife doesn’t do this nearly as well as you do.”

.  “Sorry my underpants are a bit damp.”

.  “Wow, I’ve never been able to get all four fingers in before.”

.  “You know, in this light you kind of look like Jon Lovitz.”

.  “I can’t find the condom.  Sorry, but I think I left the condom inside you.”

.  “Your orgasm face is hilarious.”

.  “Please don’t leave me.  I have stomach cancer.”

.  “Before we go any further, can you give me a donation?”

.  “You came like the Chicken Lady at a strip show.”

.  “Just hold on a sec, I wanna go check my torrents.”

.  “Okay, you know what, I’m going to have to double up on the Viagra to get through this.”

.  “I’m pretty sure you have a dried up slice of pepperoni on your butt cheek.”.

.  “Yeah no, it just looks infected. Long story.”

.  “So the thing about Sound Wave is that not only is he a giant Transformer, but he ejects cassettes and they’re also Transformers that are human size.”

.  “Sorry for spitting that out, I had no idea it was going to taste like that.”

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